Guide to write Secular (or pseudo intellecual) essay : By Dogbert

This post is intended for budding intellectuals, eager to make their mark in the world as tenured idiots academician or pompous courageous journalists, I hope this will be a helpful introduction for uninitiated to the treacherous and incestuous world of quislings intellectuals.

The techniques that is described here is powerful and versatile, it can be used to write anything related or unrelated to secularism.It could be a critique on casteism, support of AIT, or a dissertion on Muslim in Hindi films. Faithfully observing following rules will go a long way to ensure a worthless but glamorous carrier as social expert.

1) Although this technique is powerful, yet it is not very easy to follow. The reason is application of trivial things such as logic or reason,While Logic may be appealing to technically inclined, it is without doubt an impediment in persual of secularism. So shun logic, because it is hideous, or better still distort it, in other words use sophistry. Remember Secularism is above logic.

2) Another big obstacle in way of any successful discussion on Secularism is facts. Like logic, facts are ugly entities , which are a insult to intellectual sensibility,But like logic facts are malleable, facts can molded in any form to arrive at predecided conclusion. Again secularism is above reality.

3) In order to pre - empt any dissension and evade any scrutiny, always assume moral highground. Declare yourself to be best friend of man (and woman) after lassie (and before Haathi Mera Saathi)

4) That Hindus and Hinduism are to blamed for any failure of any system is an axiomatic fact. It doesn't matter what is nature of the system and what kind of failure it.Therefore Stagnation of Indian economy is not due to socialism it is due to Hindu rate of Growth

5) As a corollary, if anyone tries to contest the above fact, declare him/her as a fascist/HindutvaVadi, Also raise hue and cry about suppression of freedom, and subversion of secularism and democracy. For added effect sigh about how dreams of Gandhi-Nehru are being crushed under Hindu-Nazi boots. Bonus point if you can host a talk show on NDTV (News Distorted TeleVision) about this.

6) In order to denounce/slander some idea, it is not required to put forward arguments, just add Upper Caste Hindus in front of it. For example want to prove why Nationalism is bad, no sweat add Upper Caste Hindu, the effect is astonishing.

7) Upper Caste Hindus are to be held perpetually guilty except for those who submit to convoluted rhetoric and join the canard,at this point they can be elevated to the esteemed category of SLIMES (Self Loathing Intellectual Mentality).

8) Muslims are always victims and their failure can always be explained as a sinister plan by Upper Caste Hindus. For added effect group Dalits and Non Upper Caste Hindus with Muslims in this category of victim, it is immaterial whether it makes any sense. Remember about the truth through repeated assertion.Added point for implying that India under Chacha was a paradise of communal harmony.

9) Islamic terrorism can always be explained by past oppression of Muslims by Uppercaste Hindus.

10) Secularism is just like psycho - analysis , anything and its opposite can be explained by distorting sufficient amount of facts and butchering logic

This is ofcourse not an exhaustive list of what makes for a star secularist, but it is enough for a beginner.

Initially it may be difficult for the uninitiated to disregard reason even for such exalted pursuit as secularism and permanent tenure.However this can be resolved in two ways, first reject the notion of personal hygiene, second become a voyeur. These two will go a long way in realization of the goal.

And never forget Secularism doesn't explain reality , it creates one.

For help following quotes should suffice (quoted from this eclectic post)

"........a set of films, indeed a genre now, that seeks to represent, visualize, and narrativize the sovereignty of the supposedly secular, but in practice upper-caste Hindu Indian nation..."

"..........These tensions have been marked by an increasing regularity of murderous clashes between Hindu nationalist forces and Muslim communities ......."

".............In Hindi films, Hindutva takes the form of a post-secular nationalism, one that produces irreducible differences through melodramatic narratives of authentic belonging to the national family. As we shall see, the patriarchal family is still quite literally the model for the nation. Moreover, the family provides a template for citizenship as well, through which minority subjectivity, once differentiated, normalized and marked off from the Muslim terrorist, are repatriated into the national family. The heterosexual, usually extended Hindu family is the norm and telos of these narratives, in which a reconstituted family structure sutures the trauma of monstrosity, the trauma, that is, of a certain history. The suture here works twofold: the traumatic history of partition is imaginarily resolved through these national family romances, and the anxiety caused by the political demands of India's heterogenous minorities (not only Muslims but also Dalits, non-upper caste Hindus) is managed by this image of an organic national community.......... "