Arvind Kejriwal's tips for performance appraisal

Many eons ago, when Ravikiran had not been bitten by Ayn Rand, he had written an excellent post on Sonia Gandhi, this post is inspired by the same post.

Manager: So how do you assess your performance ?

Arvind Kejriwal: I think that my performance has been outstanding.

M: Well that's interesting, because I see you have not delivered anything in the last year!

AK: That's correct.

M: In that case, don't you think your self assessment is a bit inflated.

AK: Not at all, you see, you are looking at this from the wrong angle.

M: I am not sure I follow you, see for example Narendra and his team have delivered a killer app to our customers and while Rahul and his legacy team have been nothing but disaster at the least they have delivered something.

AK: See. that is the problem, this obsession with delivery. May I suggest this is the wrong way of appraising, and further, if I may, there is a better way.

M: Oh really, well what is that better way.

AK: Why good man, it is just before your eyes. See I have not produced a single bug. Whereas, your much vaunted Narendra model of software development has resulted in nothing but tens and tens of bugs. It is clear that both Narendra and Rahul are failures.

M: Now wait a minute, Rahul and his team has worked since the beginning of this company, and they have more experience, on the other hand Narendra and his team delivered a far better product in far lesser time than Rahul and team. In fact I am thinking of promoting Narendra.

AK: No! You must not do that, you have been deceived by Narendra using ideas such as delivery and what not. Our top priority, scratch that, our only priority, should be quality. We can not compromise on it. In fact I propose that zero defect should be our only goal, delivery should be optional, in fact since delivery is impediment in achieving zero defect goal, I think we should do away with delivery. And I think you will agree that no one is more qualified to achieve goal of zero defect without delivering anything whatsoever than myself.

M: Now that you have put it this way, your logic seems impeccable to me, I think I will promote you instead.

AK: Now that this small matter is out of the way, here is my list of 18 conditions before I accept promotion.

FutureMan

Cruel Conservatism

(Old one from 'nets )

Why cruel conservatism is preferable.

Issue:

Criminals:

• Liberals: Give them a second chance.
• Cruel Conservative: Give them the swift sword of death.

The poor:

• Liberals: Give them some food.
  
• Cruel Conservative: Give them the swift sword of death.
  

Endangered species:

• Liberals: Give them protection.
  
• Cruel Conservative: Give them the swift sword of death.
  

Dictators:

• Liberals: Give them a way out.
  
• Cruel Conservative: Give them the swift sword of death.
  

The uninsured:

• Liberals: Give them health care.
  
• Cruel Conservative: Give them the swift sword of death.
  

*The cost:

Liberals: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000

Cruel Conservative: $29.95 (cost of one sword) WIN !

A crucial question.

The last post brought up something which I have been meaning to ask y'all.

Now I think you will agree that The Talented Mr Pai loves his mango.
Also without doubt he is much more eligible than Matt Damon or Chris Gaines.

So the question is, will he be able to win over Mango. Or horror, even he can't have the mango !
Oh, to be Mangao !


Watch the clip below carefully, do some TIT (Thinking it through) analysis, and answer.

Boots in Hogwarts

OMG, what happened to Hermione !

An imagined John Kerry speech to Indian students

"Education -- if you make the most of it and you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well, "If you don't, you get stuck with ids like koolguy11* ."

* Look at technorati

Imagined conversation with John Lennon (and ensuing bedlam)

John Lennon : Imagine no possessions ...

Me: Err, John you know...

John Lennon: Except for copyright, and royalty. FOR THE PEOPLE.

Me: *

Maugham's Ghost : Dude, I know I said something about hypocrisy being most nerve racking vice and all, but this guy makes it so easy.

My non-conversation with Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde: We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. *

Me: ......

Oscar Wilde: Broadband, on the other hand, is not of our making. Point taken.

Why I love Socialism

(Originally posted here)

Our mai-baap sarkaar has decided in all its generosity that cricket matches are of national importance and therefore their feed has to be shared with Prasar Bharati. Although the ordinance does not mention it, it is understood that private broadcasters who have spent gazillion rupees and/or mortgaged their souls to acquire those rights, can go and clean the attic. Predictably this move has raised hackles of certain overfed and heartless capitalists. I am aghast at this reaction to say the least, and will try my best to explain to these nattering nabobs of negativism and gullible discernible readers that how, not only the decision taken by the government is in right direction, but also how much needs to be done to achieve the goal of social justice through other's money.

First, it should be obvious how telecast of cricket matches is of national importance. Think hard, how many areas are there where India can boast to be among top ten nation. I am afraid not many*. Granted we are the second most populous nation, but if any attempt was made to telecast the hard work behind this accomplishment it will shatter the innocence of Indians, which is unacceptable. Then there is poverty and hunger, however except for art film circuit, there is not much of market for this. This leaves, yes, cricket. Since independence, while our fortunes have waxed and waned, Indian cricket team is consistently rated among top ten teams (the fact that at most there are seven cricket playing nations is a matter of detail and irrelevant to discussion**). Now it is not hard to see for a nation which is remarkable for its paucity of significant achievement, to rescue the populace from throes of depression and futility is of utmost importance and hence it is imperative to treat cricket matches as a matter of national importance. In fact, I would like our socialist overlords to go further and declare watching cricket matches a fundamental right*** and also pass a legislation which either a) outlaws any team from thrashing boys in corporate logos or failing which b) restricts cricket to glorious state of Vatican besides India.

Now in case even this has not convinced you, you are a free market fundamentalist and need therapy, but as "the" crusader of secularism (and scourge of right wingers) **** brilliantly argued, in a democracy it is public which is the ultimate authority, and I am confident that in any public opinion conducted by pliable reliable psephologists will unambiguously confirm that cricket takes precedence over trivial matters such as terrorism. Now is the right time to go to therapy.

There is also an economic aspect; a typical cricket match lasts more than five hours, considering the hectic schedule of Indian cricket team this means more than four hundred hours per year. If the telecast is not made mandatory, there will a sudden spike in productivity of Indian workers resulting in a decrease in wages, which will just aggravate the poor, especially the children*****. Which raises an important question, Is the final aim of free market increasing misery, and how does it tie with second law of entropy? I can detect one or two thesis here, but I digress.

To continue on the topic, the decision taken by the government is not enough .To increase the gross idiocy index of nation (and to make capitalists go clean the attic), it is important that scope of this program be broadened. For example it is obvious that cricket matches are male centric, this clearly is a discrimination against women who are deprived of their right to watch intrigues of Kketakis and Kkomalikas. To ensure equality therefore, government should pass a law whereby Balaji Telefilms will have to share all its serials with Prasar Bharati, same goes for Indian Idol, KBC, and any lurid, inane or content free offering. For too long Indians have suffered under yoke of mundane reality, but no more, the "common man" will rise and claim what is his birthright, i.e. right to remain stupid. Unite my fellow Indians for you have nothing to lose but common sense , which anyway is not required when government and bureaucrats are there to decide (with considerable effort I may add), what is good for us.

* What about kabaddi ? Why do you like a game where hirsute men grapple with each other in state of undress? Are you sure we want to go down that road?

** Now don't claim there are 8.45 cricket playing nation, I stopped watching cricket after 200 BC when Spartans lost to Athens. To be fair, Spartans felt ridiculously overdressed.

*** I will go further and suggest watching cricket as a fundamental duty of Indian citizen.

**** I am not disclosing his name, but he has been acclaimed as Hrithik Roshan of Indian blogdom

***** This can be a book by Dinesh D'Souza "Why Libertarians hate children? (And steal their puppies)", a sequel to His insightful critique of American liberals

Root of evil.

Now that since it has been established that Religion is root of evil , the question that arises is whether the scientific inquiry into the cause of evils is exhausted.
One may be deceived by the phrase "root of evil" in thinking that the question is already answered by above discovery, but it is not so because there still remains possibility of other roots.
Since the quest for fount of evil is quintessential aspect of humanity, the question is of more than academic interest. It is in this spirit that I propose few more "roots"

1. Since 20Th century communist inspired movements have resulted in death of more than 80 million. Now the question is so much carnage, so much mayhem. for whose sake? Why in name of poor, of course ! The conclusion is poor is root of evil. Therefore, if you meet poor on the road, kill him and make sure he stays dead.

2. One of the most horrible acts of history, whether modern or ancient, is the holocaust committed by third Reich . Now you are going to object, "Hitler killed Jews because of religion".
This is where you are wrong ,for the Nazism in essence was a racial theory , for promotion of Aryan genes by enforcing racial hygiene and genetic engineering. It had roots in eugenics about which we don't hear now but flourished in late 19Th century and early 20Th century. Therefore it turns out genetics is also the root of evil. Richard Dawkins is the spawn of Satan.

3. But the inquiry doesn't end here. One of the activities in ancient history was blood sports. Popular among masses as well as elites, the pursuit of entertainment has claimed too many lives. Entertainment is root of evil, and I find no reason why it should be spared any quarters. Down with home theatres

It is a feature, not a bug.

In a post, which can only be described as alarming, Ravikiran prescribes periodic destruction as a remedy for human happiness.

Why is this alarming?

It is a folly to assume that aim of human endeavor is happiness. Yet this elementary mistake is the assumption behind almost all schools of thought.

The truth is humanity is expendable; we have no more importance than a rather complicated machine for survival of genes, evolving over millions and millions year under the slow but inexorable pressure of natural selection.
But even this is moot because even genes are nothing besides being interesting pattern of molecules, with a rather remarkable ability to replicate.

It is clear that then strictly speaking life is a mere matter of accident and logically worthless. The necessary corollary to this is that there is no “aim of humanity”; the very phrase in fact is teleological delusion.

Of course when one realizes this, the only logical course left is nihilism.

However at this point logic is confronted by instinct for survival, which is much more primitive and hence much stronger. Survival wins, but not without conceding the ground to logic, the resolution is achieved by inventing an aim.

The question then arises is, what should be the aim.

But first, happiness as an aim is erroneous, because it is attainable; in general it has less to do with wealth, with cannabis more effective in inducing euphoria than money can ever be. Of course once attained there is same conflict between logic.

Then, there is no single answer for this, but a necessary requirement is that it should be unattainable, beyond reach of human enterprise and ingenuity.

Hence the concept of God in earlier times. Now I admit I have no problem with the concept, I am without hesitation or qualification religious.

Problem is that present education places exaggerated importance on logic. This enforcement makes logic a more potent force, and hence mere religion can not overcome it. It is futile to further the case of religion, because an average human, thoroughly spoiled by modern instruction, confounds logic with purpose, which is self evidently absurd, because logic in itself is worthless like life.

However not all is lost. It turns out that there is one weapon in arsenal of survival instinct. Because while people may have abandoned religion, they are, fortunately I may add, still greedy and jealous of their neighbors.

The aim of a human then should be to outhoard your social peers. This is an escalating pursuit, with no end and hence a perfect aim for humanity.

Another externality is that it also powers technological innovation, and is bedrock of capitalism.

Hence, in conclusion, the proper thing to do is to replace God by gizmo.

Now excuse me while I contemplate the profound implications of this post.

Cold hearted !

Have you no conscience dear visitors !

I keep staring at site meter, I notice so many repeat ...... customers.

And yet, alas, none of you bother to write a comment telling me that you are, you know, repeat customers, or how great this blog is, or how your bowel movements have improved after you started reading this blog.

Why so must cruelty, I ask !

Please introduce yourself, for sake of my (non existent) self esteem.

PS: This applies to feed readers too !

Not sighted

I would like to assure (unfortunate) readers of this blog, that I have not been sighted boarding local trains of mumbai.
However whenever I happen to travel in those train, a snap will be promptly posted on every serious newspaper.

A misogynist post

I had enough of all this claptrap of gender equality. Today, at great risk I denounce and completely dismiss any movement for emancipation of women which arose in 20th century as an exercise in absurdity and evil instincts.

Understand this, uninitiated one. The greatest danger to humanity, the precursor of forthcoming annihilation, the mark of beast so to say, is not Islamic terrorism, or global warming or Karl Rove. It is, hold your breath, women with beards.

These misshapen creatures are violence against the existence. Their presence goes against what God, evolution and razor companies have worked together to create, hairless nymphets.

Sure people will support their right to keep beards. I say this is ridiculous ! To me it is horrible that freedom can be used to subverts the most cherished goal of civilization, a satiny smooth feminine skin.

From now I will work unceasingly to remove this abomination.

If you happen to be a female who doesn't shave facial hairs, I must tell that I abhor you.
If you are a male who likes such females, I can not withstand the sight of you, stand in the corner.

I realize, I am taking a controversial stand, that I will be beset with angry comments, I can be lynched by bored libertarians and what is worse I can lose my readers who fall under "women with beards" and "males in love with women with beards" category. My blog, nay my life is in jeopardy. I am truly scared. This reminds of a comment I made in jest about doing anything for hits, but I believe it was frivolous thing to say, I can never stoop so low to attract men who dig "chicks with beards". The lines are drawn, gentlemen choose your side.

Happy happy happy

Well this blogger is in Lucknow, city of netaji and behenji. While I take a much deserved break, greetings are in order

First have a prosperous Deepawali. This festival has different meaning for different people. For some it marks the time for harvest, for others it is the start of new financial year. There are others for whom this is license to be a glutton.

Then, wish you a very happy Eid-Ul-Fitr, which again for some marks the end of holy month of Ramadan, time for prayer and fasting, while for others it is an occasion for political networking.

But most important of all, this date marks the first anniversary of this blog.
In this year I have accomplished nothing (as in previous years), but the important point is that I have a blog to write about this nothingness.

After one year of blogging my digestion is better, my complexion has improved and I have no complaints of acne. On the other hand, I am a blogger without a toenail.

Anyway acknowledgements are in order.

First Frog, for his forbearance to stick through what is mostly a tepid affair.
I hope he spawns thousands of tadpoles who find a bigger well, in fact I expect them to find ponds and rives (but never airplanes, because there are ************ snakes in ************* plane)

Then Sandeep for acknowledging this blog. I hope that he is cured of his seriousness (induced by too much reading of verbal terrorist) and start laughing like maniac.

This is also a warning to blogosphere at large, to put me on blogroll. Understand this, as descendant of Chitragupta, I can seriously screw your afterlife.


Afterthought: People who debate to the death, whether bloggers can replace the main stream media miss the point. No bloggers can not replace the media, and yes on average bloggers can not be compared with journalist. But this is because bloggers are people. There is no restriction on blogging and it provides a tool for a common man to express his opinions in public domain.
The opinion expressed can be insightful or it can be trash, but it is up to the reader to decide. Unlike main stream journalism bloggers neither assume themselves to be keeper of other conscious or insult reader by making any presumption about ability of reader

God vs. Nietzche

Some really heavy action !

Who says waiting for pickups is boring, or philosophy is slap stick!

Meeting a non celebrity

Dear visitor to this blog,

Please go and tell rediff that you have met me, on the outside chance that if I become a hot shot tomorrow, you can claim that you were ahead of news cycle

RIP

It is with profound grief that I am writing about untimely demise of my most intimate friend.

In his short life he was a great companion to this blogger (who is by nature reserved and a loner), many a evening we spent in each other's company, beholding the ancient mysteries of the existence, amazed at the subtle character of the being.

I bid adieu, with tears in my eyes, nail of my right leg's big toe, painfully aware of the chasm that surrounds the self.

A market segment discovered

I have discovered a new market. Although I am not an expert in matter of economics, I think this market should succeed.

This market deals with vaccination against ideological atrophy characterized by Aym-Gramdism.

I think that venture capitalists should pool up money and launch a start up which will develop cure for impressionable teenagers from degenerative disease of soap box grabbing and vacuous speeches spread by virus of Ayn Rand.

There is no reason why it shouldn't work.

My conversation with Shania Twain (where I make a blatant attempt to score)

ST: That don’t impress me much

Me: I agree, personally speaking methinks that COM is wayyy too overrated, if you know what I mean. Oh, and by the way if you are not doing anything in the evening, may be we can meet somewhere for, you know discussing the comparative advantages of three – tiered architecture.

My previous conversation(s)